TransPacific Media LLC
TransPacific Media LLC
ACT ONE
FADE IN:
EXT. BUTZ ESTATE – MORNING
A shimmering gold gate tricked out with a large letter “B” opens to reveal a luxurious residence unlike any other. Located directly behind the famous Hollywood sign, high above Tinsel Town, the Butz family property rests on the most expensive piece of land this side of Hoosierville. Right in the middle of it all, a palatial mansion glows
bright in the early morning sun. Just then, a SYMPHONY OF ANNOYING ALARM CLOCKS begin to go off inside, as each member of the Butz family is stirred from their slumber at once…
JOLEEN (V.O.)
Ugh…
JD (V.O.)
God no…
LLOYD (V.O.)
Please, not yet…
DAISY (V.O.)
It can’t be morning already!
DWAYNE (V.0.)
Kill me!
INT. BUTZ ESTATE – VARIOUS LOCATIONS – CONTINUOUS
In a sweeping montage, we get a tour of the manor while taking a look at how each Butz family member greets the day now that they’re all obscenely wealthy:
— LLOYD ROLLS OUT OF BED and falls through a trap door, LANDING in a golden bathroom on the floor below. He BRUSHES his teeth with a golden toothbrush, he WRESTLES his hair into submission with a golden comb, and he SHAVES his face with a golden razor (NICKING himself several times in the
— JOLEEN ROLLS OUT OF BED and falls through a trap door, LANDING in a cushy salon chair in a fully-staffed personal boutique on the floor below. She lets out a lazy YAWN, as a team of stylists and technicians attend to her every need.
— DWAYNE ROLLS OUT OF BED… and HITS THE FLOOR HARD, his trap door failing to open. He MOANS.
DWAYNE
What the hell, man?
— DAISY ROLLS OUT OF BED and falls through a trap door, LANDING in her own private coffee shop called FLAT WHITE on the floor below. The BARISTA on duty wears a large pin that reads, “Don’t talk to me until DAISY has had her coffee.” Daisy PRIMPS for a moment in a mirror shaped just like her, then grabs the only coffee waiting on the counter. As she walks away, the Barista EXHALES,
relieved.
— Dwayne grumpily CLIMBS back onto his bed, then ROLLS OUT for a second time… once again HITTING THE FLOOR HARD, his trap door still jammed. He GROANS.
DWAYNE (CONT’D)
Why does this only happen to mine?
— JD ROLLS OUT OF BED and falls through a trap door, LANDING in… a very normal bathroom. Unlike the rest of his family, JD hasn’t let his vast new-found wealth change him very much at all. He’s still just a nerdy, socially awkward tween boy of far-above-average intelligence… especially for a Butz.
— Dwayne CRAWLS back onto his bed, then LEAPS into the air to hit the trap door as hard as possible… but the trap door OPENS before he even hits it, leaving Dwayne to SCREAM as he falls, CRASHING through floor after floor, ultimately LANDING butt-down on a spiky collar in BUTCH’s lavish chambers.
DWAYNE (CONT’D)
(with a “GOOFY”-LIKE HOWL)
OwwwwwHoocdHoo0dHOo00000
Butch rolls his eyes and lazily exits the room, joining the rest of the family in…
INT. BUTZ ESTATE – DINING HALL – CONTINUOUS
Lloyd, Joleen, Daisy, and JD sit around the ornate dining table, which is covered in every far-flung breakfast delicacy imaginable — pancakes, egg McMuffins, cereal, etc.
A bruised Dwayne wanders in from Butch’s chambers, rubbing his butt. He’s about to sit down, when:
LLOYD
Not so fast, mister! You know the
rule — last one down in the
morning has to go make sure Gramps didn’t die in his sleep.
(then) And stop touching butt at the breakfast table… that’s my job.
Lloyd smiles and reaches over to pinch at Joleen’s caboose.
LLOYD (CONT’D)
I’m touching butt. I’m touching
butt.
They both end up GIGGLING like high school lovebirds.
DWAYNE
Gross.
Dwayne turns to head out, but the door suddenly SMACKS him in the face as it BURSTS open to reveal GRAMPS… wearing nothing but a very open bathrobe. Everyone REACTS in horror.
GRAMPS
Oh, calm down! It’s nothing none of
ya haven’t seen before.
DAISY
(shielding her eyes)
How does that make it better?
Gramps lets out a HUFF, closes his robe and hobbles over to his seat at the table. Dwayne moans rubbing his head as he walks over and PLOPS down at his seat. He moans loudly again from the pain in his butt as he sits down. JD grabs a McMuffin and takes a BITE.
JD
(while chewing)
Oh, mom — I asked Miss Biddle
about the dress code for that Back To School Night thing this evening– Joleen MOTIONS for JD to stop talking, but he doesn’t notice.
JD (CONT’D)
–and she said it’s “Daytime Emmys
Formal,” whatever that means…
Daisy and Dwayne both answer in unison without looking up.
DAISY /DWAYNE
Black tie optional, cleavage
mandatory.
LLOYD
Wait, what’s Back To School Night?
Why haven’t I heard about this?
JOLEEN
Because it’s not a big deal. It’s
just a parent-teacher school-type
event thing — which you know I
have forbidden you from attending.
LLOYD
Me forbidden? Why ever so?
JOLEEN
Lloyd. C’mon.
CUT TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM – FLASHBACK
Lloyd and Joleen sit opposite a TEACHER at a parent-teacher conference. Lloyd’s eyes narrow.
LLOYD
You son of a bitch!
Lloyd DIVES over the desk and TACKLES the Teacher. CUT
INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – FLASHBACK
Lloyd and Joleen sit in the stands at a basketball game while a BULLDOG MASCOT performs. Lloyd’s eyes narrow.
LLOYD
You son of a bitch!
Lloyd DIVES over the bleachers and TACKLES the Mascot.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA – FLASHBACK
Lloyd and Joleen stand opposite a SMALL CHILD at a bake sale fundraiser. Lloyd’s eyes narrow.
LLOYD
You son of a bitch!
Lloyd DIVES over the baked goods and TACKLES the Child.
BACK TO:
INT. BUTZ ESTATE – DINING HALL – MORNING
Everyone is just as we left them. Lloyd EXHALES, annoyed.
LLOYD
Okay, but all three of those sons
of bitches had it coming! And the
mascot was a dog, so technically I
wasn’t wrong. (beat, then)
Besides, now that I’m not
overworked and underpaid, I’d
actually like to play an active
role in my youngest kids
education. Especially since it’s
too late for Dweedledee and
Dweedledum over there.
Lloyd gestures toward Daisy and Dwayne, who exchange a look.
DWAYNE
Hey, I got my ged!
The family reacts to Dwayne’s gaffe with stunned Silence. JD then offers:
JD
He means his “G-E-D”
DWAYNE
Yeah…what he said!
Joleen stands up from the table, ending the conversation.
JOLEEN
Lloyd, this is not a discussion. (then to JD)
Okay, sweetie — let’s get going or
you’re going to be late.
Joleen and JD head out, leaving Lloyd to fume.
LLOYD
Can you believe this?
GRAMPS
Yes.
INT. BUTZ ESTATE – WILLIE’S ATTIC PENTHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Lloyd bursts into the large attic living (or un-living) space of his deceased best friend, WILLIE THE GHOST. He’s walked in on a sultry scene of GIGGLES and MOANS.
LLOYD
Hey, Willie! I could really use–
(taken aback)
Oh, good Lord, man!
WILLIE
Did you forget how to knock?!
Just then, the GHOST OF MARILYN MONROE emerges from under the covers with one of her SIGNATURE GIGGLES.
MARILYN
(cooing) Hello there Mr. President!
LLOYD
Holy crap, Brittany Murphy!
WILLIE
Lloyd, it’s Marilyn Monroe.
LLOYD
Holy crap, it’s Marilyn Monroe!
(then, realizing)
Hey, my sister has a tattoo of you.
MARILYN
She sounds like a classy lady.
WILLIE
Believe me – she’s not. So Lloyd, what
can I do you for?
Lloyd plops down on the end of the bed and SIGHS.
LLOYD
I need a way to get into a
certain… event… without anyone
knowing it’s me.
The room falls silent as they think for a moment, stumped.
MARILYN
Well, why don’t you just pretend to be
someone else?
Lloyd leans forward, intrigued.
LLOYD
Hey, now there’s an idea! But who…
A teacher?
MARILYN
A student! (with french accent) A foreign
Exchange student!
WILLIE
(shaking his head) Only in Hollywood…
LLOYD
THAT’S IT!! Thanks guys!
Lloyd lets out an evil laugh then runs out of the attic.
WILLIE
That boy’s done lost his mind.
MARILYN
Now where were we?
Willie and Marilyn dive back under the covers, giggling.
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – A LITTLE LATER
Joleen pulls her extravagant mom-mobile to a stop outside of JD’s school and hands him a packed lunch. JD peeks inside to see what it is… only to find a massive wad of cash.
JOLEEN
Sorry, I ran out of time again.
Just use that to buy yourself
something — love you, sweetie!
She leans over and plants a KISS on JD’s cheek. He smiles and wipes it away as he gets out of the SUV.
JD
Thanks, mom. Love you too.
JD waves farewell as Joleen drives away, then hears the SCHOOL BELL RING. He scans the crowd of KIDS flocking toward the school and spots his one and only friend, GLENN.
JD (CONT’D)
Glenn! Hey, Glenn — wait up!
Glenn spins around to find JD hustling awkwardly toward him.
GLENN
Hey, man — cutting it close today?
JD
Yeah, I think I’m the only one in my
family who understands the
importance of punctuality.
GLENN
“Eighty percent of success is just
showing up.” Woody Allen said that.
JD
(wincing) Glenn, what did I tell you about
quoting Woody Allen?
JD and Glenn pass through a set of enormous gilded doors..then come to an abrupt stop as two WORKMEN drop a rolled-up red carpet in front of them, then start unfurling it. JD looks around and suddenly notices other “fancy” work going on — tuxedoed CATERERS setting up tables, DECORATORS hanging velvet curtains, ELECTRICIANS replacing the school’s fluorescent bulbs with the kind that don’t hurt your eyes.
JD (CONT’D)
Wait, what’s going on? I thought it was just
your standard parent-teacher thing.
GLENN
No way. This has got to be the most highly
attended industry event of the year. Anyone
who’s anyone in Hollywood will be here. It’s
like the Oscars, but for hearing about your
child’s shortcomings.
JD and Glenn arrive to their lockers. JD opens his to find a CREEPY PAPARAZZO hiding inside. JD SCREAMS, and the school’s JANITOR suddenly appears, chasing him off with a broom.
JANITOR
Beat it, scumbag! Go on, get!
The Creepy Paparazzo lets out a SUB-HUMAN HISS, then
scurries up a wall and disappears through a ceiling tile.
The Janitor SIGHS, wiping his brow, then turns to JD and Glenn.
JANITOR (CONT’D)
You kids be careful. Back To School
Night brings the paparazzi out in
swarms. They’ll do anything to get
inside — even if it means hiding
in a pretty little girl’s locker.
JD
I’m a boy.
JANITOR
Ooookay…Well, you just keep your eyes peeled.
The Janitor widens his eyes to an alarming degree, then slowly backs away without blinking. JD turns to Glenn.
JD
Okay, this is clearly a much bigger
deal than I thought. My mom was right — Back
To School Night is the last place my dad
needs to be.
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – JD’S CLASS – LATER
JD’s teacher, MISS BIDDLE, is standing at the front of a state-of-the-art classroom, gesturing to a large conspiracy board featuring a complex web of pictures and names.
MISS BIDDLE
..and that’s who actually killed
President Kennedy.
CLASS
(all at once, nodding)
Oh, okay! / I see. / That makes
sense. / It all adds up!
Just then, Miss Biddle is interrupted by a KNOCK at the door. It opens to reveal PRINCIPAL OPHILIA WINFREY — a distant cousin of Oprah’s who looks and sounds just like her.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
Hello, children! You’re all doing
great! So great, in fact, that I
have a surprise for you…
(then, over-the-top)
A brand new student!
The students all BUZZ with excitement.
GLENN
Whoa, this could be huge. If the
new kid is nerdier than us, that
means we’re moving up in the social
hierarchy of the school, baby!
JD
Goodbye, rock bottom — hello, one
level just above rock bottom!
PRINCIPAL WINFREY (O.S.)
Now, please give a warm Mary-Kate
Olsen Middle School welcome to…
Principal Winfrey then steps aside to reveal… Lloyd, in a very convincing French schoolboy disguise! Or, at least as convincing as a five-o’clock-shadowed grown man can be.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY (CONT’D)
…Henry Ford Detroit!
The class REACTS, confused… until Lloyd corrects her pronunciation is a suave French accent.
NOTE: Lloyd speaks in a French accent whenever his dialogue is accompanied by (AS HENRY).
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
It’s actually pronounced “En-ree
Deh-twah.” And the pleasure is all mine.
The class — including Miss Biddle — OOHS and
AHHS, instantly won over. Glenn lets out a
DEFEATED SIGH.
GLENN
So much for that idea. Nobody can
compete with a French accent.
JD shrugs and returns to his work.
MISS BIDDLE
En-Ree, if you’d like to take a seat
Lloyd takes a seat at an empty desk. He basks in the attention from the other students, until he looks over to see that his own son doesn’t seem impressed at all. He
frowns.
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – LUNCHROOM – LATER
Lloyd enters the lunchroom, holding a picnic basket with wine, cheese, and a large baguette sticking out of it. He spots JD sitting alone, then rushes over to join him.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Is this section of bench taken?
JD
No, go ahead.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
‘En-ree. And you are?
JD
JD, nice to meet you. So you just
moved here from France, right?
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Yes… Paris, France.
JD
Oh, cool! What part of Paris?
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
(stumped) Uhhhh, enough about me.
Where in Indiana are you from?
(catching himself)
I mean, where are you from?
Indiana, or… not Indiana?
JD
Oui oui, Indiana. It’s easy to spot
an outsider around here, huh?
Lloyd nods in agreement, then flashes a hopeful look.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Oui oui… but at least you have
your family, yes?
JD
(considering, then)
I guess so… but I usually feel
like the black sheep at home too.
Lloyd’s smile fades upon hearing this, clearly taken
aback.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
You– you do?
JD
Yeah, I mean… you just don’t know
my family. They’re great, but they
can also be a lot. And sometimes I
just feel like no one gets me.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Not even… your father?
JD
I don’t know, I guess it’s hard to
tell. More than anything, I think I
just worry he’s disappointed in me,
you know? Like I’m not turning out
the way he’d like me to.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Well, JD… I’m sure if your father
was here now, he–
Lloyd is suddenly interrupted when Glenn pops up behind
JD.
GLENN
Dude, come quick — our caterpillar
from science class is finally
hatching out of its chrysalis!
JD
Oh, kick-ass! It’s butterfly time. Real
nice meeting you, ‘En-ree.
JD runs off with Glenn, and Lloyd smiles proudly
as he goes.
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – AFTERNOON
The SCHOOL BELL RINGS, signaling the end of the day, and
the front doors open to unleash a wave of CHILDREN. Lloyd
stands in the doorway and smiles as he takes a DEEP BREATH
— he pulled it off. He takes one step out the door,
however, when:
PRINCIPAL WINFREY (0.S.)
‘En-ree F. Deh-twah!
Lloyd’s eyes go wide, and he turns to see Principal
Winfrey rushing toward him. He braces for the worst, and
then:
PRINCIPAL WINFREY (CONT’D)
I almost forgot to give you these!
Principal Winfrey flashes three golden tickets! And we’re
talking “golden” as in solid gold — these are the real
deal. Lloyd EXHALES, relieved, then snatches the tickets
from her.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Oh, oui oui, of course. Thank you
kindly, Principal Winfrey. I can’t
wait for the big event night!
Lloyd smiles and starts to walk away, feeling
victorious.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
And I can’t wait to meet your
surely impressive parents!
Lloyd freezes, a look of panic flashing across his face.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
(under his breath)
Oh, how do you say… Le Shit.
FADE OUT:
ACT TWO
FADE IN:
INT. BUTZ ESTATE – ENTRANCE HALL – LATE AFTERNOON
Lloyd, still sporting his Henry disguise, bursts through
the front doors in a frenzy. He rounds a corner to head
upstairs and BUMPS into Gramps, who is wearing a dapper
tuxedo.
LLOYD
What the hell are you wearing?
GRAMPS
What the hell are you wearing?
Father and son stare at each other for a moment, then:
LLOYD /GRAMPS
I don’t have time for this!
They both rush off in opposite directions.
INT. BUTZ ESTATE – WILLIE’S ATTIC PENTHOUSE – MOMENTS LATER
Lloyd bursts into the attic, once again failing to
notice that Willie and Marilyn are under the covers.
LLOYD
Willie, we have a– oh, god! Again?
WILLIE
Jiminy Christmas, man! Knock!
MARILYN
(sing-songy) Ooh-la-la! Ménage 4
trois!
WILLIE
(aghast) Uhh, ménage a
NOT!
LLOYD
Marilyn, you’ll be happy to know that this
little get-up worked like a charm today. Not
only did I get the tickets I needed, but
I’m also the coolest guy in school!
WILLIE
What’s the problem then, hot shot?
Lloyd sinks onto the end of the bed, looking drained.
LLOYD
The problem is that I, or rather, ‘En-ree
needs parents now. But ‘En-ree doesn’t
have parents. Because ‘En-ree
doesn’t actually exist.
Willie and Marilyn both NOD, getting it.
MARILYN
Can’t you just hire actors to play
your mom and dad?
LLOYD
No time.
WILLIE
Well, why don’t you have those couple of
good-for-nothing teenagers of yours pretend to
be your parents?
Lloyd jumps to his feet, reinvigorated.
LLOYD
Willie, my man — I could kiss you.
WILLIE
Please don’t.
Lloyd smiles and runs out. Marilyn turns to Willie.
MARILYN
Willie, my man — I could kiss you.
WILLIE
Please do!
Willie and Marilyn dave out of frame.
EXT. BUTZ ESTATE – POOL AREA – SAME TIME
Dwayne wades around the massive pool lounging on a blow-up sex doll, while Daisy lies out on a deck chair, texting her friends.
Lloyd emerges from the mansion.
LLOYD
Daisy, Dwayne! Stop whatever you’re
doing and get over here.
Daisy and Dwayne begrudgingly do as they’re told.
DWAYNE
Why are you wearing that weird
French crap?
DAISY
(with a GASP)
Dual citizenship.
LLOYD
What? No. Shut up. Look.
Lloyd pulls out the three golden Back To School
Night tickets. Daisy and Dwayne both REACT in
astonishment.
DWAYNE
Oh, SCORE!! We’re going to the
Chocolate Factory!
DAISY
Wait… are those Back To School
Night tickets?!
LLOYD
Yes! The two of you are going to help
your old man pull off the biggest undercover
operation that this school has ever seen!
Lloyd lets out an EVIL LAUGH, which Daisy and Dwayne
quickly JOIN IN ON… until Dwayne abruptly stops.
DWAYNE
Wait, so what are we doing?
EXT. RODEO DRIVE – TRANSFORMATION MONTAGE – DAY
In a high-dollar MAKEOVER MONTAGE, we see Lloyd (as Henry) accompany Dwayne and Daisy all up and down Rodeo Drive, molding them from his new money teenage children into his own fake upper-upper-upper-class parents — Mr. and Mrs.
Detroit! As the trio embarks on their journey, we track their
metamorphosis via their reflections in storefront windows:
— First, they leave one ludicrously expensive designer
store after another — from DUCCI to DURBERRY to DERSACE —
wearing the most stylish, Euro-chic wardrobe imaginable.
Nothing but the best for Henry’s fake French socialite
parents!
— Next, they step out of the finest jewelry store
around, SPIFFANY & CO, dripping head to toe in
diamonds.
— Finally, they emerge from the fanciest hair salon
in Beverly Hills, BRIAN DE PALMA’S BLOW OUT.
Once the process is complete, the “Detroits” admire
themselves in a massive mirror, looking very
convincingly like an upper-crust family of three.
They’re ready!
Lloyd WHISTLES and a sleek black limousine pulls up in
front of them. They excitedly climb inside, and we…
FLIP TO:
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – EVENING
…that same limousine gliding to a stop outside of Mary-Kate Olsen Middle School — which is now adorned in Met-Gala-level fashion for Back To School Night. It’s like
the Emmys and the Grammys had a baby, then the Queen of England sneezed on it.
Lloyd, Dwayne, and Daisy step out (not looking at all like themselves anymore) , and they find themselves greeted by a barrage of CAMERA FLASHES. The vast league of PAPARAZZI is instantly starstruck by their international charm. The trio walks the red carpet like they own it, then disappear inside. Just then, another limousine pulls up to the red carpet.
INT. BUTZ FAMILY LIMOUSINE – SAME TIME
JD, Joleen, and Gramps get ready to step out, each dressed to the nines… along with Butch, who sports a bowtie collar.
JOLEEN
Okay, Butch — I need you to stay here
while we go inside. You hear me?
Stay, Butch. Stay. Good boy.
As soon as Joleen closes the door and turns away, the limo drives off.
Joleen, JD and Gramps make their way down the red carpet, where the paparazzi do their thing. Montage of photos where each click and flash of the camera we see Joleen’s chest (multiple views), Joleen’s butt (multiple views) and lastly Gramps giving the middle finger.
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS
The limo finishes parking in the parking lot amongst all of the other limo’s. The back door opens up and Butch exits, then swings his butt to close it. He composes himself, then starts to strut alongside the long line of limousines parked outside the school. As he does, FEMALE DOGS lean out of the windows and call out to him.
NOTE: When humans aren’t around, dogs communicate in English.
FEMALE DOG #1
Hey there, Butch! Come say hi!
FEMALE DOG #2
Why don’t you come keep me company, Butch?
BUTCH
Patience, ladies!
Butch smiles, but doesn’t stop for any of them. He finally reaches a limousine with tinted windows, and one of them lowers to reveal LUCY, a female poodle who bats her eyelids flirtatiously.
LUCY
Meeooow °
BUTCH
Woof
Butch hops in through the open window as Lucy giggles.
The window then raises up, closed.
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – GYMNASIUM – SAME TIME
JD, Joleen, and Gramps enter the school’s gymnasium, which looks more like the ballroom in a five-star hotel than a place where middle schoolers normally play sports. There are HUNDREDS OF HOLLYWOOD’S MOST ELITE in attendance, all dressed to the nines and spiffy suits and glamorous gowns.
JOLEEN
Wow, this is just… wow. Let’s
just all try to stick together, so–
JD
I need some food.
GRAMPS
I need some booze.
Before she can stop them, Joleen watches JD scamper off in one direction and Gramps hobble away in the other. She sighs.
ON GRAMPS, AT THE PUNCH FOUNTAIN:
Gramps approaches a crystal fountain surrounded by countless crystal goblets. Gramps TAPS his foot impatiently as he waits for a MIDDLE SCHOOLER to fill a goblet. When he finally gets to fill his own, he takes a drink… then does a SPIT-TAKE!
GRAMPS (CONT’D)
Oh, god — it’s just fruit punch!
What kind of sick joke is this?
MILDRED, a bejeweled old woman standing nearby speaks up.
MILDRED (0O.S.)
A shame, isn’t it? Punch without
alcohol ig like a second date
without third base,
Gramps CHORTLES, then slides closer to make an introduction.
GRAMPS
Who might you be, gorgeous?
Mildred reaches into her cleavage and pulls out a small
flask, which she uses to “spike” Gramps’ drink for him.
MILDRED
The name is Mildred — no husband,
no job. Just very rich… and very lonely.
And you are?
A goofy smile spreads across Gramps’ face.
: GRAMPS
Smitten
ON JD, AT THE HORS D’OEUVRE INSTALLATION:
JD finds his way to a long, elegant buffet table under a bespoke banner that reads: “HORS D’ OEUVRE INSTALLATION.” There are so many people crowded around that he can’t actually see the food yet, but he looks over to see Glenn.
JD
Oh, hey, Glenn! You hungry?
GLENN
Starving!!
JD and Glenn push their way to the actual table, where
they find a vast array of mouth-watering gourmet finger foods.
Eyes wide with excitement, JD and Glenn each reach out and grab a toothpick with a different hors d’oeuvre on it. They “cheers” them, then bite in… to nothing. The food isn’t actually food at all, but PHOTOREALISTIC HOLOGRAMS OF FOOD.
JD
What the heck? What’s wrong with this food?
GLENN
(looking around)I swear, if I’m on the
reboot of the reboot of the revival of
Punk’d…
Just then, a slick-haired man in reflective silver clothing pops up behind them — this is CHEF KLAUS. He shows no emotion and he speaks in a completely non-discernible accent.
CHEF KLAUS
‘Zere is nothing with ‘ze food, and
you are not on ‘ze TV program.
(beat, then)
I am Chef Klaus! And ‘zis is… ‘ze
Inherent Oblivion of Food!
Chef Klaus throws his arm out in dramatic flourish. JD and Glenn exchange a worried look, their stomachs growling.
JD
Oh, no… so the only food here is
some weird art thing?
CHEF KLAUS
All food is a lie in ‘ze end.
Glenn and JD give each other a panicked look.
ON THE “DETROIT” FAMILY, IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING:
Lloyd, Dwayne, and Daisy shake hands with yet another family of STRANGERS, then Lloyd whispers to his kids:
LLOYD
You haven’t seen JD or your mother
yet, have you?
Before they can answer, however, Principal Winfrey appears with a huge smile on her face.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
Mr. and Mrs. Detroit — the parents
of Mary-Kate Middle’s favorite new
student! It’s an absolute honor.
She enthusiastically shakes both their hands.
DAISY (AS MRS. DETROIT)
Oh, it’s very lovely to meet you,
Madame Principal. ‘En-ree has
already told us so much about you.
Just then, Lloyd spots Joleen by herself, so he excuses
himself:
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
El, pardonnez Moi, I will be right back…
ON JOLEEN, BACK NEAR THE ENTRANCE:
Joleen is nursing a goblet of punch while looking around
the lavish event when Lloyd saunters up to her.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Excuse me, miss? You look lost.
Might I help you find something?
Joleen stares at Lloyd as if she finds something about
him vaguely familiar, but then:
JOLEEN
Oh, no, thank you. I’m just waiting
for my son, JD.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
JD Butz? Why, JD is a friend of
mine! We are classmates.
JOLEEN
Oh, you’re– oh, wow. You look
too… worldly, to be my son’s age.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Ah, you flatter me, miss. Though
while we’re on the subject, I find
it hard to believe you’re not just
a schoolgirl yourself.
Joleen giggles, blushing. Lloyd takes her hand and kisses it.
LLOYD (AS HENRY) (CONT’D)
I must run for now, but I will see
you around. It was… a pleasure.
Lloyd slips away, and Joleen gulps. She’s visibly
flustered, but she isn’t sure why. Just then, JD finally
returns.
JD
So you met ‘En-ree?
JOLEEN
Who?
JD
‘En-ree. The new French kid. He
seems pretty nice.
JOLEEN
Yeah… yeah, he does.
ON DWAYNE AND DAISY, IN THE MIDDLE OF EVERYTHING:
Principal Winfrey walks away from Dwayne and Daisy, who breathe a SIGH OF RELIEF and drop their fake accents.
DWAYNE
If dad is going off to do his own
thing, I say we do the same.
DAISY
Good call. I’m sick of the small
talk. I need industry gossip, stat.
DWAYNE
Good luck with that.
Dwayne hurries off, and Daisy turns around and comes face-to-face with NICOLE, REESE, and LAURA — a fierce group of power moms who bear a striking resemblance to Nicole Kidman, Reese Witherspoon, and Laura Dern from HBO’s Emmy-winning series, Big Little Lies.
NICOLE
Did we hear you say gossip?
REESE
You look rich. You should hang with
us. You wouldn’t believe how much
is really going on behind the
scenes in a place like this…
LAURA
So much.
NICOLE
So, so much.
REESE
So much you could just die.
Just then, MERYL (who bears a striking resemblance to Meryl Streep from Big Little Lies) walks by in the background.
MERYL
And then spend an entire second
season trying to cover it up!
ON JD AND JOLEEN, BACK NEAR THE ENTRANCE:
JD spots his history teacher, Miss Biddle, not far away.
JD
Mom, look — there’s one of my
teachers! Come on, let’s go.
As JD drags Joleen through the crowd, Gramps and Mildred dance by in the opposite direction, looking happy as can be.
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – PARKING LOT – CONTINUOUS
Dwayne steps outside of the school and spots spots a group of limousine DRIVERS shooting dice in a nearby alley. He walks over to them.
DWAYNE
Hey, guys — what are you playing?
Yahtzee? Bunco? Boggle?
DRIVER #1
Uh, something like that…you want to play?!
DWAYNE
Heck yeah!!
DRIVER #2
We only play for cash though!
DWAYNE
I have a little of that…
Dwayne smiles as he pulls a thick roll of hundred dollar bills out from each of his pockets. The Drivers are stunned. One driver pushes the others back to make room
for him.
DRIVER #1
Get on in here, buddy boy!
Dwayne joins them and the Drivers greet him enthusiastically.
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – GYMNASIUM – SAME TIME
JD and Joleen are now speaking with Miss Biddle.
MISS BIDDLE
Well, I can assure you — JD is
simply one of the brightest
students I’ve ever had the
privilege of teaching.
Joleen beams, looking proud. JD smiles at the compliment.
JOLEEN
IT can’t tell you how much it means to hear
that. We’ve been worried that starting a new
school and having to make new friends might
distract him from his school.. but I guess
I’m just a worrier!
Joleen and Miss Biddle both laugh… along with Lloyd, who suddenly appears between them, laughing as well.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
I couldn’t help but overhear your
hilarious comment! You sound like a
very caring mother, Joleen.
Joleen smiles, flattered — but Miss Biddle corrects him.
MISS BIDDLE
I think you mean “Mrs. Butz.”
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Oh, of course. Zorry.
JOLEEN
Yes, I am a very caring mother, and…
Wait, how do you know my name?
Joleen looks to JD, who just shrugs.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
Oh, uh… you just look like a
Joleen. Or a… Mrs. Butz. You can
just tell sometimes, you know?
Joleen bats her eyelashes, coy.
JOLEEN
Yeah… I guess you can.
Miss Biddle watches the two of them, perplexed.
MISS BIDDLE
Okay, well, it was great meeting
you. I’m afraid I still have some
papers to grade, so if you’1l excuse me…
Miss Biddle nods politely, then walks away.
JD
MOM! You didn’t even ask her about my
grades!!
Miffed, JD turns and walks off. Joleen is a bit shocked by this and turns to Lloyd (as Henry)who locks eyes with her (while wiggling his eyebrows up and down). She looks away, nervous… but then turns back and locks eyes again. It’s magnetic.
JOLEEN
What are we doing here, ‘En-ree? I
don’t understand how I‘m feeling. It’s
like… I can’t help myself.
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
I feel the same. It’s like I’m not
in control of myself.
Lloyd grabs Joleen by the waist. Her eyes go wide.
JOLEEN
Oh…
He pulls her body close to his body. She can’t fight it.
JOLEEN (CONT ‘D)
Oh my.
His hand slowly moves down her side.
JOLEEN (CONT’D)
‘En-ree, what are you doing?
He leans in close to her and whispers:
LLOYD (AS HENRY)
I’m touching butt.
Suddenly, it all clicks and Joleen lets out a GASP.
JOLEEN
Lloyd!
Lloyd, dropping his accent, looks a little confused.
LLOYD
Of course it’s Lloyd, what do you
mean? I thought you figured me out
the moment you saw me.
JOLEEN
Uh, yeah… totally.
Joleen CHUCKLES, clearly relieved. She smiles at Lloyd.
JOLEEN (CONT’D)
Now touch my butt and kiss me, you naughty boy!
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – HALLWAY – SAME TIME
Having slipped away from the main event, Gramps and Mildred stumble around like lovesick teenagers, looking for a place with more privacy. They check door after door
as they giggle and kiss down the hallway, finally finding one that’s unlocked. A sign outside the door reads “MISS BIDDLE.”
GRAMPS
After you, m’lady.
MILDRED
Oh, what a gentleman…
GRAMPS
Not for long.
Gramps SPANKS Mildred as she disappears into the dark classroom, then follows her inside. Just then, Miss Biddle rounds the corner at the other end of the hall speaking to herself.
MISS BIDDLE
Trailer trash! These families just keep
getting weirder every year!
Reaching her classroom, Miss Biddle enters her classroom and flips on the light. She gasps.
MISS BIDDLE
Oh, my god!
GRAMPS (0O.S.)
Whoa, occupied!
Miss Biddle stares in shock, then cocks her head to the side
MISS BIDDLE
How is that even possible?
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – GYMNASIUM – SAME TIME
Lloyd and Joleen are still embracing when they realize that everyone in the gymnasium is staring at them. Principal Winfrey marches over, irate:
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
Joleen Butz? ‘En-ree Deh-twah? But
you’re a married woman he’s a thirteen-year-old boy!
The crowd REACTS, aghast at this reprehensible transgression.
JOLEEN
No, you don’t understand, he’s–
LLOYD
I’m not a student…(ripping off his tiny
little mustache)
I’m her husband, Lloyd!
The crowd GASPS. Principal Winfrey closes in on them.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
What?!
LLOYD
I’m not ‘En-ree Deh-twah… because
there is no ‘En-ree Deh-twah. I’m
Lloyd Butz, and I only did all of
this to be here for my son.
JD, who has just walked up, hangs his head, shaking it in embarrassment.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
How was… all of that — (indicating them
making out) — being here for your son?
LLOYD
Oh, sorry — that bit wasn’t part of the
plan. I just can’t ever resist my
smokin’ hot wife!
The crowd nods, getting it — Joleen is smokin’ hot.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
Lloyd Butz, you are hereby banned from
all future events at Mary Kate Olsen
Middle School, including but not limited
to — bake sales, book fairs, carnivals,
concerts, field trips, and of course,
the theatre department’s highly antici-
pated upcoming production of Spider-Man:
Turn Of The Dark.
LLOYD
What?? But I already bought tickets!
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
Too bad, they’re non-refundable!
(then, with finality)
This little charade is over. Any
person with the last name Butz or
the fake last name Detroit–
DAISY
It’s actually “Deh-twah.”
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
–must leave the premises at once.
You are officially kicked out!
(then, in addendum)
And don’t even think about taking a
goodie bag.
The Butz family (minus Dwayne) hangs their heads in shame as they’re escorted out by SECURITY GUARDS. Just when it seems like things can’t get any worse, the Creepy Paparazzo DROPS DOWN from the ceiling and FLASHES a photo with his camera!
CREEPY PAPARAZZO
GOT IT!
CUT TO:
ACT THREE
INSERT: A spinning newspaper graphic — “THE MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL STAR-LEDGER” — fills the screen. On the front page, we see the picture the Creepy Paparazzo just took of the disgraced Butz family being escorted out of the school.
HEADLINE: “BUTZ FAMILY BUSTED FOLLOWING FAUX-FRENCH
BOY FRENCHING FOR-REAL BRIDE!” Beat, then…
SMASH CUT TO:
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – NIGHT
Lloyd, Joleen, Daisy, JD, and Gramps are standing outside in the parking lot — they’re the very picture of defeat.
LLOYD
Where the hell is our driver?
Just then, Dwayne walks up to them holding the keys.
DWAYNE
Apparently all of the limo drivers
just quit. Must be a union thing or
something. I’1l drive.
At that moment a limousine SPEEDS PAST with all the Limo Drivers hanging out of the windows/moonroof, HOOTING and HOLLERING as they wave their arms around with fistfuls of Dwayne’s money.
LLOYD
All right, gang — let’s go home.
They all walk off, making their way toward their limo…
EXT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – PARKING LOT – NIGHT
…-just as Butch is headed back to the limousine as well. He passes the other cars, where we see the same Female Dogs from before batting eyelashes and waving goodbye to him.
FEMALE DOG #1
Night, Butch!
FEMALE DOG #2
Later, big boy!
BUTCH
Wait, did I miss anyone?
(beat, then)
Of course I didn’t. Goodnight, ladies!
FEMALE DOG #3
Don’t be a stranger, danger.
A lone male dog calls out:
MALE DOG
Go to hell Butch… you HOMEWRECKER! !
Butch arrives back to the Butz family limousine on the opposite side and hear we hear the door open and then close…
INT. BUTZ FAMILY LIMOUSINE – CONTINUOUS
…just as the Butz family open their door and climb inside themselves. Joleen spots Butch sitting just where she left him, and she smiles.
JOLEEN
Aw, there’s my good boy.
Butch looks around, unsure who she’s talking about. Dwayne STARTS THE CAR and they drive away in silence. Lloyd looks to JD, who is staring out the window with a blank expression.
LLOYD
Hey, bud… I hope you know I was
only trying to–
JD
I know, dad. It’s fine. I don’t
know why I was expecting today to
be unlike any other.
LLOYD
What does that mean?
JD
It means I feel stupid for thinking
that an event at my school about my
education might possibly end up
being about me. That’s just not how
this family works.
JOLEEN
What is that supposed to mean?
JD
Look what just happened! It’s like
you’re all incapable of not causing
a scene in the most wildly
unpredictable ways! (then, resigned)
It’s embarrassing. And the worst
part is that I’m just used to it.
JD crosses his arms in frustration and leans against the window, looking out. Lloyd and Joleen exchange a shameful look. An awkward silence falls over the family again, until:
GRAMPS
Well, I’m proud of you son.
Everyone looks to Gramps, confused.
GRAMPS (cont’d)
(then, saving face)
Well, as proud as you can be of a grown man
dressing up like a little French schoolboy,
that is. I sure in the hell wouldn’t have gone
to all of that trouble when you were a kid.
Lloyd smiles. The others nod in silent agreement –except for JD, who just turns his attention back to the window.
Suddenly, JD lets out a GASP so loud and so sudden that it forces Dwayne to SLAM THE BRAKES.
JD
White Fortress!
JD throws the door open and leaps out of the limousine.
EXT. WHITE FORTRESS – MOMENTS LATER
Lloyd and Joleen rush out after him, followed closely by Dwayne, Daisy, Gramps, and even Butch.
LLOYD
JD! What are you–
And then they see it — a WHITE FORTRESS. It’s a
rinky-dink little fast food chain restaurant that appears
to be abandoned, but every member of the Butz family is
staring at it like it’s the eighth wonder of the world.
JOLEEN
Sweet slippery sliders…
DWAYNE
How is this even possible?
DAISY
I thought they didn’t have any
franchises west of the Mississippi,
let alone California…
GRAMPS
(tearing up)
It’s a White Fortress miracle.
Like white-trash moths to the deep-fried flame, they approach the truly unspectacular establishment as if under a spell…
INT. WHITE FORTRESS – A LITTLE LATER
The Butzes (including Butch) are gathered at the counter of the otherwise empty restaurant. A bored TEENAGE WORKER comes out of the back, looking highly inconvenienced.
TEENAGE WORKER
Welcome to Whitefortress, can I take your order?
LLOYD
Thank you my good man. We’1l take…
(counting all of them)
-..seven of every item on the menu!
Everyone CHEERS.
The Teenage Worker heads back to the kitchen. JD smiles as he looks around the restaurant.
JOLEEN
You know, I was thinking…
(then, off their looks)
I was wrong to forbid your dad from
attending Back To School Night. I
mean, before the actual school did.
DAISY
Really? But what about all of
the… incidents?
We see a QUICK FLASH of the split-second ending shots of the three “Lloyd behaving badly” memories from ACT ONE — Lloyd tackles a Teacher, Lloyd tackles a Bulldog Mascot, Lloyd tackles a Small Child — then we’re BACK TO SCENE.
JOLEEN
Well, yeah. Those weren’t the most
ideal outcomes. But then I
remembered the moments leading up
to each of those diving tackles…
CUT TO:
INT. HIGH SCHOOL CLASSROOM – FLASHBACK
Lloyd and Joleen sit opposite a TEACHER at a parent-teacher conference. The Teacher throws up his hands, at a loss.
TEACHER
I’m sorry, folks…Dwayne is just never
going to amount to anything.
Lloyd’s eyes narrow.
LLOYD
You son of a bitch!
Lloyd DIVES over the desk and TACKLES the Teacher.
CUT TO:
INT. MIDDLE SCHOOL GYMNASIUM – FLASHBACK
Lloyd and Joleen sit in the stands at a basketball game while a BULLDOG MASCOT performs. On the court, Daisy misses a shot.
BULLDOG MASCOT
(cheerleader-style)
D-A-I-S-Y / Daisy’s got no alibi,
she’s crummy / Yeah, yeah, she’s
crummy…
Lloyd’s eyes narrow.
LLOYD
You son of a bitch!
Lloyd DIVES over the bleachers and TACKLES the Mascot.
CUT TO:
INT. ELEMENTARY SCHOOL CAFETERIA – FLASHBACK
Lloyd and Joleen stand opposite a SMALL CHILD at a bake sale fundraiser. Lloyd smiles at the Small Child.
LLOYD
Hi there, sport! I’m JD’s dad.
SMALL CHILD
JD’s a little poop-head with
doo-doo eyes and a fart mouth.
Lloyd’s eyes narrow.
LLOYD
You son of a bitch!
Lloyd dives over the baked goods and tackles the Child.
BACK TO:
INT. WHITE FORTRESS – NIGHT
Everyone is just as we left them. Dwayne, Daisy, and JD are looking at Lloyd in awe, their mouths slightly agape. Joleen smiles proudly, while Lloyd looks a little bashful.
DAISY
I never knew that was why…
DWAYNE
I didn’t know either.
JD
Neither did I. I just assumed you
didn’t like his mini-muffins.
LLOYD
I didn’t — they were offensively
dry. But I don’t attack people just
for baking poorly. Usually.
Dwayne gives his dad a playful punch, then Daisy hugs him.
DWAYNE
Thanks, old man.
DAISY
Yeah, thanks for trying to hurt
people who hurt us. You’re the best.
Lloyd looks up to meet JD’s gaze, and JD smiles at him.
JD
I appreciate all the trouble you
went through to support me, dad…
even if things really snowballed
There at the end.
LLOYD
(with a CHUCKLE)
Yeah, things did get a little out
of hand, didn’t they? Ooh, food!
The Teenage Worker returns, STRAINING as he balances a truly massive serving tray of food.
GRAMPS
Now we’re talking – come to Papa!
The Teenage Worker strains as he lowers the serving tray onto a fold-out stand next to the table. He wipes the sweat from his brow.
LLOYD
It’s too bad everyone at that fancy school
is stuck with fake computer food right now.
Haha, we’d be heroes if we showed up with bags of
White Fortress burgers!
JD perks up, an excited look on his face.
JD
Dad! You’re a genius!
LLOYD
Of course I am. Wait, why?
INT. MARY-KATE OLSEN MIDDLE SCHOOL – GYMNASIUM – LATER
All of the parents, teachers, and children at Back To School Night are still mingling but looking miserable with hunger at this point.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
What in the name of Steadman is going on?!
The dust finally settles to reveal… the Butz’s! A different member of the family stands in each open doorway, holding a tray piled high with White Fortress’ finest delicacies.
LLOYD
The Butz’s are back, baby!
JD
And we come extending an olive
branch — a bacon-wrapped, cheese filled
deep-fried olive branch!
The hungry patrons “OOH” and “AHH”, then flock toward the nearest Butz, their elitist attitudes suddenly out the window.
JD sets down his serving tray to let a crowd of people help themselves to its tasty treats, including Principal Winfrey. Chef Klaus is even there scarfing down sliders.
CHEF KLAUS
(with a full mouth) Vell, if you kant beat ‘zem–
join ‘zem!!!
Lloyd approaches Principal Winfrey, who is scarfing down some sliders:
LLOYD
Sooo, does this mean we’re good now?
Principal Winfrey takes a slider that Lloyd is holding and pops it in her mouth.
PRINCIPAL WINFREY
(sound of mouth chewing food)
Oh, yeah, we’re all good!!
LLoyd and Winfrey fist bump as we… FADE OUT.
THE END
After Elon Musk publicly belittles the launch of Lloyd’s new BUTCO crypto coin (which instantly sends its value tumbling) Lloyd decides that he’s had enough – he’s joining the billionaire space race!
Lloyd calls up some cousins from back east who quickly come out to the Butz mansion, where they proceed to build a 100 ft. tall rocket consisting of moonshine stills that are stacked and welded one atop the other. Capping off this mechanical marvel is Lloyd’s favorite Lazyboy recliner, which sits perched high atop it.
Dressed in his favorite duck hunting winter gear (including heated mittens) Lloyd buckles himself into the lazyboy. He then lowers a scuba diving mask over his face, turns on the valves of the scuba oxygen tanks that are strapped to his back, then pulls the recliner lever which lays him back into launch position. With all systems go, Lloyd pops open a beer can and after taking a few satisfying gulps, yells down for his cousins to “Light this puppy up!”.
The cousins squirt the last can of charcoal lighter fluid on the woodpile that surrounds the base of the, already simmering, stack of moonshine stills. The growing flames make all of the stills boil up until they are about to burst at the seams! The Butz family, who are all sitting around on lawn chairs nearby, to cheer Lloyd on, all count down together, “5….4….3….2….1…” , and with that the rocket suddenly shoots up, sending Lloyd hurtling straight up to outer space. From the expression on his face he is having the ride of his life!
NASA are quickly alerted to an unidentified Rocket that has launched from the west coast. Rattled by this, they call Richard Branson to ask if it is one of his rocketplanes, which he denies. They then call up Jeff Bezos, who also denies it being one of his rockets. Finally they call Elon Musk to ask if the rocket is one of his, to which he replies “no”.
Ending the call with NASA, a bewildered Elon quickly orders his space X team to have their nearest satellite get visuals on the rocket. Turning to the wall monitor, which shows a live feed from the satellite, Elon sees Lloyd’s rocket quickly approaching from Earth. Elon finally makes out Lloyd sitting atop the rocket, and as the rocket passes by he sees Lloyd throw his empty beer can at the satellite, bouncing it off the camera (where it remains floating nearby in zero gravity). Elon is seething, and under his breath growls, “BUTTTZZZ”.
Soon, after achieving orbit, the moonshine rocket begins to sputter out. Lloyd passes by a floating sign that says “Jeff Bezos was here”, and just further up he sees another floating sign that reads “Elon Musk was here”. Sensing that his rocket is about to lose momentum and fall back to Earth, Lloyd unbuckles his seatbelt and floats up, away from the rocket, and just barely passes Elon’s sign – beating Elon’s record!! As his rocket falls back toward earth , Lloyd shouts out in celebration of his achievement, “Whooo hooo! Take that Musky boy!!” Then, as he starts to calm down, Lloyd begins to look around and realize the predicament that he’s actually in – alone and floating in space with no way down – and somberly says, “Awww, shit.”
At the same time, back on Earth, Elon Musk performs a very juvenile happy dance – because he knows that Lloyd is stuck up in space! As the news of Lloyd’s demise spreads, the value of his BUTCO crypto coin completely crashes, causing Elon to celebrate even more!
Back in space, Lloyd cracks open another beer to help him think clearly. After a few gulps, he suddenly belches, which sends him flying off in the opposite direction of his burp. He then takes another guzzle of beer and belches again, which sends him flying back in the other direction. Realizing that he now has a way to propel himself, he thinks long and hard and then comes up with an idea!!! We see Lloyd look upward, and then we see him focus in on something. With a smile on his face we see him then take a really long drink of his beer. He then tilts his head down and lets out an enormous belch which rockets him up further into space!
Down on Earth, Newspaper and television reporters are crowded outside the Butz mansion gates wanting to interview the family about this tragedy – but the Butz family aren’t even fazed by any of this silly talk and instead begin to make preparations for Lloyd’s imminent return by firing up the grill for a celebratory cook out!
Shortly thereafter NASA picks up the faint signal of an unidentified object in space quickly approaching Earths atmosphere. Their telescopes lock in on the object and broadcast a live-feed to all of the major television networks. This ‘Breaking News’ causes Elon to stops partying and fix his attention on the wall sized monitor in his office, where, lo and behold, he sees Lloyd flying down through the atmosphere – driving the exact same Tesla that Elon had previously sent into space. Elons jaw drops!
Lloyd is seated in the drivers seat, and is now wearing the space suit of the fake astronaut that had previously sat there when Elon launched it into space. Lloyd is totally enjoying the ride down, and as David Bowies ‘Life on Mars’ song cranks loudly, Lloyd changes the radio station to a more Hoosier-like John Mellencamp ‘I Fight Authority’ anthem, and hoots and hollers along with it!!
The reporters outside the Butz mansion turn their cameras skyward, just catching Lloyd as he flies the Tesla steeply down over them. Lloyd lands the Tesla on the long driveway to the mansion, bouncing along until finally skidding to a stop just outside the doorsteps, where the family are gathered together! They welcome him back Hoosier style, with a fresh can of beer and a plate of ribs!!
Newsflash: the purchase price for BUTCO, the Butz crypto coin, has gone up off the charts – just like the rocket flight that Lloyd just had! Investors everywhere are frantically buying his coins up!! At SpaceX headquarters, in his private office, Elon Musk is curled in a fetal position, sucking his thumb, and whimpering.
With all of the celebrating going on at the Butz mansion, no one even notices the trunk of the Tesla pop open and a male alien climb out, suitcase in hand, followed by a wife and some kid aliens, who all then scurry off together.
J.D.’s marketing class (along with Mandarin, a requirement in sixth grade at his elite school) is doing a group project where they have to invent a new social network platform. The kids struggle because they have become bored with Instagram, Snapchat, Tiktok and the like, and they’re sure there is nothing they can create that hasn’t been created already. These kids upgrade phones so often, the discarded ones litter their rooms like empty soda cans.
None of J.D.’s peers remember the days of paper, pencil, and postal mail, except for J.D., because before the family got rich, it was all they had. Now, textbooks are all on iPads, essays are all voice-dictated into your phone, which types for you, and you would never leave a physical note for someone when you can text them.
At home, J.D. asks his family what life was like before they got rich. How did they message each other? Each family member tells a brief flashback about communication back home. The flashbacks are sepia toned and grainy, even though none go back more than about 20 years.
J.D. knows what to do for his project. He brings sticky notes, pads of paper, pens, and pencils to class. His group is blown away by the novelty and unfamiliarity of the items. He teaches them how to operate pen and paper, and they feel like they have discovered an amazing new technology. Imagine a way to send messages on something you don’t have to recharge, nor do you have to get the upgraded version every time one comes out. The project is such a hit, J.D. is invited to present at a global conference on communications technology.
But the high-tech world is cutthroat. One of the parents at the school, an exec with a major technology firm, gets wind of J.D.’s genius “disruptive” invention. Then, in a scene paying homage to The Social Network, J.D. Is usurped by the parent, who quickly steals the idea, patents it and is soon shaking up the world markets because of it.
B-plot:
Daisy, hearing of Gramps and Butch’s investigative abilities (from the flashback about their urine-based communications system) hires them to help her find out if her boyfriend is cheating on her. He is up-and-coming actor Jace Mason, currently starring as the lead’s boyfriend in the latest female-driven dystopian young adult novel-to-screen adaptation. Gramps and Butch follow Jace, but Gramps’s prostate isn’t what it used to be, so communication flows much more sporadically than before.
Eventually, Butch poses as a lovable stray and is adopted by Jace Mason, but that goes awry when Jace starts to remind us of Neil Patrick Harris’s character in Gone Girl, grooming and changing Butch’s appearance to turn him into his dream dog. It’s not sexual, but it’s just as creepy.
Gramps leads Daisy to Jace’s bedroom window for her to peek in and see just how depraved her boyfriend is – but when she sees what he’s done to Butch she falls even deeper for Jace, “Awwww, look how adorable Butch is now!” Moments later Daisy barges in on Jace and tells him that she loves what he has done with her dog. Jace is taken aback by the revelation that the dog is hers and, thinking fast on his feet, tells Daisy that he is glad she likes his surprise for her. Daisy hugs Jace, who looks down over her shoulder at Butch and quietly threatens, “Not a word…NOT A WORD…Do you understand?” “There is not a chance in hell of that EVER happening”, Butch thinks to himself, as he makes his getaway with Gramps.
The Hollywood Hoosier story lines will provide and dictate the humor of the episodes. Supporting gags will be born from the storyline and not just thrown in without purpose.
Even though our main cast is a mid-western Indiana family, and are portrayed as having lower class attributes (which we do play up) they are still a good-hearted, loyal and trustworthy family. Tread lightly if you play them for fools, as Mama Bear (Jolene) will tear you a new one! They have bigger hearts and better scruples than most of the Hollywood crowd they associate with and live amongst.
The episodes will often include recurring segments that audiences will look forward to seeing and expecting. These segments may or may not have something to do with the storyline of the episode that they appear in, but more to do with highlighting each characters special attributes.
Other successful shows have done similar things: the Animaniacs introduced Pinky and the Brain in separate segments, as did Ren & Stimpy with Powdered Toast man, and the Simpsons introduced us to Krusty the Clown.
It should be noted that because Willie is no longer human he is able to speak with and understand Butch. So the rules are, other animals hear and speak with Butch in English, while normal humans only hear animal sounds (with the exception of Willie).
It’s time for a Butz family vacation, but no one knows where to go since they are already living their dream. They all think back to their pre-billionaire days and try to remember if there were any destinations they had longed to visit. They each have different suggestions, but Lloyd’s pitch is that they visit Dolly Parton’s theme park, Dollywood. The kids are not very enthusiastic with this idea, but Jolene reminds them that she is actually named after the Dolly Parton blockbuster song, Jolene – a song about a ruthless, man stealing vixen. Jolene beams with pride as she reflects on the great expectations her parents had for her.
With that decided, they pack and head to their private jet, where we meet their personal Pilot, Madhu, who happens to be East Indian. The navigational instructions go something like this:
– Lloyd Frump: “Dollywood or bust!!”
– Madhu: “Bellygud, Mr. Butz – Bollywood for dusk!!”
On their way to Mumbai (although they think they are flying to Tennessee), they fly over Agra’s Taj Mahal and think is is an homage to Dolly’s famous breasts.
As in a Bollywood film, the episode is peppered with improbably bursts of song and elaborately costumed dance numbers. No matter how Eastern and exotic things are, they interpret each experience as something Dolly Parton thought up. The unusual food, they figure, comes from her Smoky Mountain roots. As to the abundance of darker-skinned people, they assume that Dolly has employed mostly Latinos, just like they see in Los Angeles.
Willie meets up with the ghost of Mahatma Gandhi and his new girlfriend, Mother Teresa. Things are not going well in the relationship, and Gandhi confesses to Willie that this woman’s need to criticize every move he makes has him seriously reconsidering his philosophy of non-violence, “One’a dese days, Terri, Ka-pow! Right in the kisser!” But Willie, who has a great deal of experience smoothing the ruffled feathers of his own ex-girlfriends, helps Gandhi out with some Cyrano-style prompting. Willie also meets up with George Harrison, who’s hanging out with the maharishi Mahesh Yogi and Doug Henning, and after sharing a water bong, has a Deliverence type sitar duel with him (Willy plays his like a banjo)!
Dwayne is obsessed with going on all of the “rides”, with puts him into a number of life-threatening situations – such as riding on a runaway rickshaw and a bucking elephant – but he is none the wiser, and thinks it all part of Dollywood. Daisy gets a job at a call center answering technical questions for iphone users – specifically the chat feature – but her personable manner turns her into more of an advice hotline. Instead of technical help, she tells girls calling in what content they should be putting in their text messages if they want to have successful relatiionships.
Butch, meanwhile, notices many of his far eastern cousins caged up in a bustling marketplace, where they are destined to become the main course at some local eatery. He boldly sets them all free, as he evades capture himself, which makes him their hero. They show their thanks by performing a traditional song and dance number – doggie style!
Gramps has lunch as the guest of Madhu, the pilot, and his mother. She serves them up a mean bowl of Chili she likes to call “Tikka Masala”, which causes Gramps to break out into a sweat (this brings a happy twinkle to her eyes!). After lunch Madhu’s mother sends him out to run some errands. Once Madhu leaves she reaches up to a bookcase and pulls down an oversized book (which sits in some sort of shrine). Seating herself next to Gramps on the couch, she places the book on her lap and asks him if he has ever heard of the Karma Sutra? Gramps eyebrows raise in acknowledgment, as he gulps hard!
J.D. Is the only one who knows that they are in India, and he is terrified for his life. The health program at his middle school has been using scare tactics (connected to an assignment he has to do on healthy living) so he has recently developed serious phobias of germs, bugs, STD’s and parasites. Nearly everything on the crowded streets of India looks deadly to him. Convinced he has contracted a number of exotic diseases, he goes to a medical center and has a complete change of mind – the care is so professional, he observes that it far exceeds the care and service they receive back home – even though, as Billionaires, they can afford the best healthcare. Now he is able to complete his school assignment on healthy living, the basic thesis of which is “Get Out of America!”
Among the many musical numbers the family stumble into, one actually gets filmed and becomes a hit Bollywood movie – even while they are still there (similar to European Vacation)! The Butz’s instantly become sensations in Bollywood(unbeknownst to them) where their oddly mid-western dance moves are seen as a fresh addition to the traditional style.
When they arrive at the airport to leave, there are throngs of fans there to see them off! “Now that’s some good ole’ Southern Hospitality!” gushes Lloyd. Jolene suddenly shrieks, “Where’s Gramps!!” Just then an ambulance pulls up, with sirens wailing. Two attendants remove a stretcher from the back with Gramps laid out on it – all twisted up like a pretzel! Lloyd runs to him and asks if he is okay? Gramps exhales and with a tear in his eye and a smile on his face replies, “I’ve NEVER been BETTER!!”
All in all, the Butz’s Dollywood vacation was even better than they had anticipated it could be!
Pilot episode. After his own wife forbids Lloyd from attending the hottest social event of the year – which just happens to take place at his son J.D.’s middle school – he’s forced to go undercover as a new student in order to infiltrate the festivities.
In an effort to be the next Kardashians, Dwayne and Daisy hire a film crew to follow them around and turn their lives into a reality show – much to the annoyance of Lloyd and Joleen. Meanwhile, J.D. decides to use the situation to his advantage, and he documents the chaos for his own middle school filmmaking class.
Upon hearing their neighbor speak on the importance of diversifying your portfolio, Lloyd decides to do so by purchasing a struggling vineyard outside of the city. Before long, however, he finds that he’s turned his entire family into pretentious winos.
In an effort to “grow the family name,” Lloyd decides to become the next Walt Disney – so he opens a theme park. Despite a rough start when it turns out that “Butz World” is already taken by a long-running establishment in West Hollywood, the family is surprised by its apparent success… until it all comes crumbling down.
Dwayne and Daisy are shocked when they’re invited to participate in the celebrity version of a popular competition reality show (think Celebrity Big Brother) – mostly because it means someone considers them celebrities. Meanwhile, Lloyd and Joleen aim to take the teens down a peg by getting them voted off the show from the outside.
Concerned that their children may be losing touch with the non-billionaire classes, Lloyd and Joleen declare that Dwayne, Daisy, and J.D. must spend the remainder of their summer vacation volunteering at the charitable non-profit organization of their choosing – and all allowances will cease until they complete their assignment.
While recovering from deviated septum surgery (not a nose job, thank you very much), Joleen finds herself wrapped up in a Rear Window-inspired murder mystery. No one else in the family seems to believe her when she insists that she’s witnessed a crime through her top-dollar star-gazing telescope… until it might be too late!
It’s the Fourth of July weekend, which only means one thing for the Butz family – it’s time for the annual camping trip! This year promises to be a little different than usual, however, as they decide to try “glamping” at a highly-exclusive private resort instead.
As a string of Bling Ring-style robberies sweep their upper-upper-class neighborhood, the Butzes begin to wonder why their mansion keeps getting passed over by the thief. That is, until they realize it may be because the culprit is someone who lives there…
After being snubbed by Elon Musk at a social event, Lloyd decides that he’s had enough – he’s joining the billionaire space race! With the family’s help (and of course, his billions and billions of dollars), Lloyd charts a course for the stars.
After J.D. urges his parents to become more involved with his school, Lloyd and Joleen join the PTA… only to discover that it’s basically an Eyes Wide Shut-type of secret society that has very little (if anything) to do with education.
Just when it seemed like Hollywood was full up on Hoosiers, the Butzes decide to invite their old friends from Indiana – the Weens – to visit their new home in Los Angeles. It doesn’t take long for worlds to collide, however, and the Butzes are soon reminded of just how much they’ve changed in a short amount of time.
In the latest adventure in Lloyd’s search for meaning, he decides to try his hand at Hollywood’s oldest profession – screenwriting. With an unlimited budget and no one to say no, Lloyd’s debut snowballs further and further out of control until it resembles something out of Charlie Kaufman’s Synecdoche, New York.
In recognition of his impressive win at the middle school science fair, J.D. is awarded the Key to the City. It seems like nothing more than a symbolic gesture from the mayor… until J.D. suddenly starts receiving extremely special treatment all around town – and all due to his fancy new key. Before long, the rest of the Butz clan learns about the power of the key, and J.D. is forced to take extreme measures to protect it.
After their brainiac accountant gives them an idea of what they’ll owe in taxes next year, Lloyd faints. Then when he wakes up, he starts thinking of a way to get out of his civic duty and he comes up with a plan – he’ll start his own church. Together with J.D. and Willie, Lloyd officially establishes the First Church of the Almighty Dollar!
The Butzes are overjoyed to learn their new neighbor is none other than their favorite celebrity chef of all time… the Emeril Lagasse! It’s especially great for the family, as they’ve been rationing a single jar of Emeril’s discontinued Bam! seasoning for years now. It’s not great for Emeril, however, who was hoping to simply retire in peace.
Joleen finds herself face-to-face with realizing a lifelong dream when she’s offered her own talk show, JOLEEN. Does she have what it takes to navigate the battlefield of daytime television, or will her dreams be canceled like so many failed pilots?
After learning that the girl he has a crush on is only interested in “mature men,” J.D. resolves to put away his childish things and reinvent himself as a little adult – but if he really wants to impress his dream girl, he needs to learn how to drive. Lloyd and Joleen insist that it’s a no-go since he’s too young… until they each come to J.D. privately and admit that they’ve had their license suspended. He strikes up a deal with both Lloyd and Joleen (each unbeknownst to one another, of course) that he can use their cars to impress his crush, but only if he acts as their personal chauffeur as well.
Upon learning that a certain segment of the population (degenerate gamblers) view him as an inspiration, Lloyd decides to author a self-help book – How to Win the Lottery and Influence People. Spoiler alert: the second thing requires the first thing.
While socializing at an upscale neighborhood event, the Butzes are shocked to discover they’re the only family who doesn’t have a state-of-the-art doomsday bunker on their property. Determined to keep up with the Joneses (and the Martins and the Feldmans and the Cranes), the Butzes go deep down the rabbit hole of doomsday conspiracies and begin construction on a super-survival bunker of their own – but only time will tell if they can actually complete it before they all kill each other.
After J.D. takes a strong interest in the world of journalism, Lloyd does what any supportive billionaire father would do and he buys his young son his own newspaper. J.D. succeeds far beyond either of their wildest dreams, and it isn’t long until J.D. Butz is known and feared all over Los Angeles – not unlike Citizen Kane.
Displeased with how long it’s been since they’ve seen their names trending online, Dwayne and Daisy set out to go viral. Nothing seems to be working, however, until they discover the key to viral success is right in their own backyard – Gramps.
Worried that he isn’t doing enough to get a jump on his extracurriculars for college applications, J.D. decides to run for middle school class treasurer. Why treasurer? It’s simple – president is too showy, vice president does nothing, and everyone knows money is where the true power resides. A run-of-the-mill class election soon turns into a political thriller though, as J.D. learns there’s nothing playful about politics.
Butz on Broadway! Watch out, New York – the Butzes are taking a much needed vacation to the east coast, and their destination is the Big Apple. They’re stunned, however, when they find themselves shunned by the Manhattan elite, and they learn a tough lesson about old money vs. new money. Can they find a way to break in, or are they destined to live their entire lives as the less-distinguished kind of billionaires?
When the Butzes retreat to a fancy family summer camp for some much-needed rest and relaxation, J.D. falls in love with a young dancer whose family lives/works at the resort (á la the classic love story at the center of Dirty Dancing). It’s a romance for the ages – specifically the teen ages – until the lovebirds are forced to face the reality of their situation. Meanwhile, back in Hollywood, Gramps and Butch go to war with a celebrity dog trainer after a harried encounter at a private park.